You only live once.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


People ask me all the time what I miss most because of my transplant, whether it be going shopping, concerts, hanging out at my friends apartments or taking random road trips to follow bands around. 

The thing I miss most in the world is myself.  

I'll always be who I've grown into, and I've learned to love that image.  However, I'm trapped in this 83lb body of disease and sickness, both physical as well as mental and I can't seem to unlock the cage or find the key.  I want to be myself again, to feel beautiful inside and out.  I can't look into mirrors anymore because I hate what I see.  I want to be happy enough to do what I love but I've been so sick for so long that I just can't do anything and knowing that depresses me, making motivation difficult - it's hard for me to even make my lover happy because it's like he's dating a different women and that kills me... and him.  I'm a prisoner of my own home, more so now then ever because it's hard to take an oxygen tank with me and as hard as I try to get off the oxygen, it's just not working. 

I can't count the number of people who have told me I'm the strongest person they have ever known and I think right now my motivation is for them to keep that thought.  I know I'm strong, but I can only get pushed so far - and I ask myself; how much longer can I go?

I just turned 20 and I feel like I'm 90.  How the hell does this happen?