Hate.

I'm trying my best to stay strong but whatever I do I just break.  Shatter.

How am I possibly supposed to deal with everyone else's issues when clearly I can't handle my own?

If I get the news that I want to hear in Boston next Tuesday, then I know exactly what I'm going to say to the public.  I know exactly who I'm going to apologize to, who I'm going to make hurt, what I'm going to say about who I am, and who everyone is to me.  If I get that news... I'm celebrating.  If I don't, I'm getting fucked up anyway and still writing a note.

I want to hate you for what you did to me, but I can't.  I want you to answer my question.  I need you, for me... to stop hurting.  But do I really?  Maybe I shouldn't have backed out of the opportunity I had today, maybe it could have been something... but I think it was you who stopped me.  I got so hooked on your love.  Now love is all I crave, and I'm beginning to fell like I had wished I would have never experienced it.

I need everything to end.  I need to stop hurting mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I can't keep eating chemicals, nor do I want to (not all the time...) - but do I want to suffer...?  Yes, and no.  I will let myself suffer when need be, but I also need ease.  I know I will never stop hurting physically, chronic pain will be forever and I get that.

I can't decide if this transplant was worth it.  I lost the love of my life, and the reason was this stupid fucking unknown thing that's eating me alive.


Size 0 jeans are too big for me.  Do you know how insanely disgusting I feel?

Do you realize that you killed me with a force stronger than anything else has tried to kill me with before?  I guess you get props for that, because a disease like Leukemia couldn't even kill me.  I had always been so mentally strong that I couldn't find my breaking point.  But I guess you could, babe, and it's you.

Some Sharing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaZMST-vHfM&feature=player_embedded

This has been speaking to me.  Read the lyrics.

"Maybe I'm a different breed..."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPtSKimbjOU&feature=related

That is the actual video.  It's pretty interesting; there is a lot of nice art if you watch closely for the details.

It's just... I don't know.  I'm hooked.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTfdE-CG0SE&feature=related

As we speak - I found this.  SO PRIME!  <3 Foreigner...

Give Me An Answer!

Is is considered suicide if you can convince someone to kill you?

Wither

People ask me all the time what I miss most because of my transplant, whether it be going shopping, concerts, hanging out at my friends apartments or taking random road trips to follow bands around. 

The thing I miss most in the world is myself.  

I'll always be who I've grown into, and I've learned to love that image.  However, I'm trapped in this 83lb body of disease and sickness, both physical as well as mental and I can't seem to unlock the cage or find the key.  I want to be myself again, to feel beautiful inside and out.  I can't look into mirrors anymore because I hate what I see.  I want to be happy enough to do what I love but I've been so sick for so long that I just can't do anything and knowing that depresses me, making motivation difficult - it's hard for me to even make my lover happy because it's like he's dating a different women and that kills me... and him.  I'm a prisoner of my own home, more so now then ever because it's hard to take an oxygen tank with me and as hard as I try to get off the oxygen, it's just not working. 

I can't count the number of people who have told me I'm the strongest person they have ever known and I think right now my motivation is for them to keep that thought.  I know I'm strong, but I can only get pushed so far - and I ask myself; how much longer can I go?

I just turned 20 and I feel like I'm 90.  How the hell does this happen?