You only live once.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I'm trying my best to stay strong but whatever I do I just break.  Shatter.

How am I possibly supposed to deal with everyone else's issues when clearly I can't handle my own?

If I get the news that I want to hear in Boston next Tuesday, then I know exactly what I'm going to say to the public.  I know exactly who I'm going to apologize to, who I'm going to make hurt, what I'm going to say about who I am, and who everyone is to me.  If I get that news... I'm celebrating.  If I don't, I'm getting fucked up anyway and still writing a note.

I want to hate you for what you did to me, but I can't.  I want you to answer my question.  I need you, for me... to stop hurting.  But do I really?  Maybe I shouldn't have backed out of the opportunity I had today, maybe it could have been something... but I think it was you who stopped me.  I got so hooked on your love.  Now love is all I crave, and I'm beginning to fell like I had wished I would have never experienced it.

I need everything to end.  I need to stop hurting mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I can't keep eating chemicals, nor do I want to (not all the time...) - but do I want to suffer...?  Yes, and no.  I will let myself suffer when need be, but I also need ease.  I know I will never stop hurting physically, chronic pain will be forever and I get that.

I can't decide if this transplant was worth it.  I lost the love of my life, and the reason was this stupid fucking unknown thing that's eating me alive.

Size 0 jeans are too big for me.  Do you know how insanely disgusting I feel?

Do you realize that you killed me with a force stronger than anything else has tried to kill me with before?  I guess you get props for that, because a disease like Leukemia couldn't even kill me.  I had always been so mentally strong that I couldn't find my breaking point.  But I guess you could, babe, and it's you.

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