Wednesday, September 14, 2011
How am I possibly supposed to deal with everyone else's issues when clearly I can't handle my own?
If I get the news that I want to hear in Boston next Tuesday, then I know exactly what I'm going to say to the public. I know exactly who I'm going to apologize to, who I'm going to make hurt, what I'm going to say about who I am, and who everyone is to me. If I get that news... I'm celebrating. If I don't, I'm getting fucked up anyway and still writing a note.
I want to hate you for what you did to me, but I can't. I want you to answer my question. I need you, for me... to stop hurting. But do I really? Maybe I shouldn't have backed out of the opportunity I had today, maybe it could have been something... but I think it was you who stopped me. I got so hooked on your love. Now love is all I crave, and I'm beginning to fell like I had wished I would have never experienced it.
I need everything to end. I need to stop hurting mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can't keep eating chemicals, nor do I want to (not all the time...) - but do I want to suffer...? Yes, and no. I will let myself suffer when need be, but I also need ease. I know I will never stop hurting physically, chronic pain will be forever and I get that.
I can't decide if this transplant was worth it. I lost the love of my life, and the reason was this stupid fucking unknown thing that's eating me alive.
Size 0 jeans are too big for me. Do you know how insanely disgusting I feel?
Do you realize that you killed me with a force stronger than anything else has tried to kill me with before? I guess you get props for that, because a disease like Leukemia couldn't even kill me. I had always been so mentally strong that I couldn't find my breaking point. But I guess you could, babe, and it's you.